The Grace of Suffering

 I know there are many things to catch up on especially after all the generosity I received in the United States, and the new things happening at the Hogar but the Holy Spirit put this on my heart to share. 

  

 I am the first to admit that sometimes I forget my children are disabled. I see them for the beauty that lives in them. I see their personalities and often don’t see the limitations of their bodies. This past week I was able to travel to Galilee with another volunteer, Natalia, and meet a friend, Hani, from Nazarath for lunch. While we were discussing my work, he reiterated that seeing their suffering caused him pain.  As always I tried to teach him about the joy that is in them, and I never stopped to actually listen to him. I regret that I tried to change his perspective before hearing it. I don't want people to see my children for what they lack but what they have. I often make light of the suffering of the children to placate the world and show that they are not defined by their disabilities. This may be true but it also takes a way from the grace that suffering is.

    Natalia had read a book that said that the suffering of the innocents, like my children, is like the suffering of Jesus. He was innocent of every wrong doing, yet he took on the suffering of the flesh. He experienced rejection, hatred, scourging and even a crucifixion, though he was perfect. Maybe that is why it is hard to watch innocents suffer. There is part of our heart that recognizes the suffering of Jesus in these innocents. Why do they suffer when they have done nothing wrong? Why would a good God inflict this pain on humans? Honestly we will never have the answers to these questions. Yes, we may have answers that sound good or placate our curiosity but we do not fully know the mind of our God. We do not see the world as he does in his omnipotence. 

     After these conversations I asked God to open my eyes to the suffering of my children. For some seeing an innocent suffer hurts many people deeply and some just cannot get past that hurt to see anything else. They build a wall and just decide not to let themselves see, and thus feel the pain of the other. I realized I made a similar wall that encircles me and the good of the children, and blocked their pain and suffering.  A wall, no matter where it is built, can separate you from encountering all facets of God in them. I want to experience all of them, their joys and their sorrows. Then God gave me two experiences that helped me see my children more fully. 

    The first, is of our “normal” child, Belen. She is 5 years old and due to social circumstances she was placed in our home 3 years ago. I pick her up daily from the parish kindergarten where she experiences life like a normal child. She loves the swing set and every day after school she asks if she can swing for “sway, sway” (arabic for little, little). I taught her how to do it alone but she always asks for me to push her, but not Saturday. She wanted to do it all by herself. I found the joy that she finally wanted and could do it alone but it also meant she was growing up. Later that day after her nap, she came on the couch and just curled up in my arms. I felt so blessed to experience a daily miracle of her growing up. Then a pain hit my chest. Her parents will never experience these precious moments with her. They don’t get to see her progress in speech or motor activities. They don’t get to see her growing up. Though she does not lack love in the Hogar she doesn’t come home to her parents like her classmates do. Me, a volunteer, comes and picks her up from school every day.  She knows she is different. In the future she will ask more questions on why she is different. Why did her parents leave her and cause her suffering due to abandonment?  Was she not “good” enough? Did they not love her? Will she feel the same way that Jesus did while hanging on the cross and searching for his father?  Maybe His words on the cross were to bring us solace in times like these. Even he felt the pain of abandonment. We have to remember though that when the Father in Heaven doesn’t answer, it doesn’t mean he’s not there. He will never abandon us. Even if all the world forsakes us, we have a Creator that knows our name and sees us. 

    The second moment was with my best friend Heba. She’s 18 and quite a personality. She truly understands most of what is going on around her. A new male speech therapist started working at the Hogar and it is written all over her face that she has a crush on him. She laughs and throws her head around with a smile. When the nuns and I tease her about him, her whole body moves with delight. Heba understands what it is to find someone attractive, though she will never be able to fully act on it. People will come and go through her life and she may have crushes on them but she will not experience the love that we desire from the opposite sex. We do not know the extent of what she understands but will she always long for that love that is just out of reach? Will she suffer years of “solitude” due to her circumstances? She may be surrounded constantly by people who love her, but does she get a touch of sadness when she sees others falling in love?  Her pain makes me reflect on the love that we search for in our lives. We look for it in all different kinds of relationships: friendships, coworkers, familial, and romantic. The love we often forget to pursue is the love of God. He constantly pursues us with a love without boundaries. He loved us so much that his son willingly gave his life for us on a cross. He redeemed us through his suffering by his love. The ultimate act of love was suffering. How blessed are we that sometimes we are chosen to suffer for the love of God and his love for us? Thoughts like that just humble me. 

             

Though we all know suffering in a different way, maybe next time you can encounter it, you can look at it in a two fold way: how can in this moment I show love for the one suffering and also what a grace suffering is because it brings us closer to the cross. I pray that my eyes be open to the suffering Christ in all those I meet, especially in my children. I also pray that when I encounter those suffering I rejoice because with Jesus in suffering and death, we are promised a resurrection.  

I promise next time I’ll share with you some exciting news in our house but he put this one on my heart for now.  May this year of Jubilee bring you the grace of suffering and the hope of heaven.

Agape, 

Elizabeth