Experiencing Jesus on Calvary

June 25

 Even with the early departure I got up to have an hour alone with God. I was able to take in a little more of the events of yesterday but also prepare myself for walking the Via Dolorosa. This is the route that Jesus took up Golgotha or Calvary, while carrying the cross. In the Catholic Church we have a tradition called the Stations of the Cross which we pray during the season of Lent. This reminds us of the different steps he had to take on his journey up Calvary where he was crucified and then died. I bought a bible with medallion depictions of the stations a few days ago, so I brought it along to further immerse myself in his passion during quiet prayer time. 

We started the stations before the sun started rising. Out of reverence some of us took off our shoes and many of our women veiled their heads. I was barefoot to walk in solidarity with Christ. I know the stones weren't the rocky paths he walked but the cold stones grounded me in prayer. We had a light cross to carry with us on the journey while Jesus's was quite heavy. It is poetic in a sense. Our light cross we were able to bear together because Jesus took the weighty one first. We were made to not only be in relation and solidarity with him in his suffering but with each other. He even allowed Simon to help him bear the weight of his cross. We all know that Jesus could have done it himself but he lived as an example to us. He wanted us to serve as he served but he also wanted us to know that it was okay to accept help from others. I struggle with that. I was taught to be independent and not to rely on others. I constantly need to remind myself that needing and accepting help isn't a weakness but a strength. To be vulnerable with other people will help real relationships to grow. 

    We were blessed to have the streets to ourselves before the hustle and bustle of the market place of the day. I could see Jesus walking these streets at first in the quietness with just the guard but then in the clamor of the streets on his way with the cross. The whole spectrum of emotions would be present in the different people he passed. Despite what the people were feeling in relation to him, he would have only felt love for them. How beautiful is that? Those who despised him were just as loved as those who believed in him. He chose to love and forgive even those who hated him.  He chooses to love and forgive each of us, we just have to accept it. 

    The only noise that broke the silence of our group was the words read aloud at each station. Oh and me dropping my bible and several of the pieces falling out! I was mortified. It also made me laugh because I am a klutz and of course this would happen at such a solemn time. We made it to the Church of the Holy Seplucher and I lost my words. I paused outside knowing that my life would never be the same. I was not only going to visit where Jesus was crucified but he was going to be physically present at the altar in the Eucharist. In the  entrance of the church there was the stone that Jesus's dead body was prepared for burial on. Kneeling down and kissing it, I asked for the grace to be open to all that Jesus offered me through his death. Before heading up the stairs to the stone of the crucifixion we entered Adam's Chapel. This chapel was right below where Jesus was crucified. Jesus came as the new Adam in order to restore our humanity. We were told us to leave our past selves behind here at this altar. I laid all my weaknesses but also strengths there at the altar. I left everything I had there, knowing that whatever he had for me was much greater than I could imagine. Each narrow step to the top of Golgotha led me closer to him and further away from myself. We waited in silence for each person to touch the place where he was crucified. Again the only sound that broke the silence was my bible hitting the ground! Now every station on the back cover had fallen out, except the crucifixion. Mind you, all the front stations were still present on the Bible, just the back ones fell out.  After putting the fallen pieces in my bag I decided not to fix it when I got home. I would remember the beauty that led to just having this remaining piece present. 

    Then it was my turn. There was a beautiful crucifix above the altar. To reach the stone I had to get on my knees and go under the altar. Touching the stone brought a flood of emotions to the surface. The greatest of these was love. Here agapic love poured over the earth. Here the Son of God willingly laid down his life as a sacrifice for us. Here is where we were saved from death. "I love you" rang loud and clear. After stepping away I was able to kneel in an alcove that I could still see the crucifix, while the rest of the group had their time. We had a little time before our mass slot so we walked down into the tomb of St Helena where Haper Dei, a musical group was singing the liturgy of the hours. Several of them were siblings from different religious orders and they would come there every morning and evening to sing and pray together. Imagine starting and ending your day in a place like this. Remarkable. I looked down and noticed the final piece on the back of my Bible was starting to fall out and so I peeled it off instead and held it in my hand. We made our way back to Golgotha and waited on the side to start mass. I saw an offering box for candles and realized I had no money on me. A Bible passage came to mind about a woman giving her last pennies and that was worth more than the bags of money that the rich left. I looked in my palm and knew that the only thing I had to give was that last Bible station. I left the medallion depicting the crucifixion in the offering box. It is hard to put what I was feeling into words. I felt like I was in a different way participating in his sacrifice because I physically used his "crucifixion" as an offering and a sacrifice. It may not make sense to you but in my heart it did. I actually lit that candle for myself. I prayed to fully accept his sacrifice into my heart but also my body. Again I believe that the Body, Blood, soul and divinity of Jesus is present in the Eucharist. I not only spiritually receive him but physically as well, every time I go to mass. I went into mass empty of myself so that I would be fully available for him to fill me up. 

    I wish I could bring you to the mass on Calvary. It was like nothing I ever experienced before. The order was the same, the readings I heard 1000 times but it was different. We were celebrating his life and passion, where it all took place! He physically was there as OUR collective sacrifice. I asked Hani prior to mass to if he could video the consecration. I knew I was going to be caught up in the mass and I wanted to be able to capture it so that I could have it. I could have a picture of Jesus on Calvary, while I was there with him! 

This next part is actually the hardest part to share through writing. I have told some of those closest to me but haven't written it down on paper. It will forever be inscribed on my heart. Here it goes. The consecration was beautiful. I knew that I was forever blessed to be able to look at the face of God no matter where in the world I was. I was excited to receive his sacrifice fully when I received the Eucharist. When it was my turn I knelt before Father and he said "The Body of Christ" and with all I had I proclaimed "Amen". The minute the Eucharist hit my tongue I tasted blood. I closed my mouth and all I could taste was blood, but I wasn't bleeding. Receiving the Eucharist countless times, I knew how it felt in my mouth. This was unlike any other time. It clumped and had the texture of flesh. Don't ask me how I knew what flesh felt/tasted like because I truly don't know. The best way to describe it was a mix between the meat we eat and touching skin/wounds with my hands. Though all these sensations were coming from my mouth. Kneeling down and just holding him in my mouth I knew this was the greatest gift I had ever experienced. I have recognized countless miracles in my life, especially in my field of work but nothing compared to this. I wanted to stick my tongue out and check it, to see if it looked like flesh but I did not.  I knew in my heart no matter what it looked like, even if it was still under the appearance of bread, it was not bread. I never believed it was anything other than Jesus but experiencing him in that way was something else entirely. I have asked for Eucharistic miracles countless times, not for him to "prove" himself but just because I wanted to experience him fully. I would have never thought that he would do it for me on Calvary. Gosh it brings me to tears every time I think about it. 

My humanity still unable to fully grasp the miracle I experienced had to ask Father about it.  After we left the church I asked Father if the host tasted or felt different to him. He looked at me all confused and I said the texture and taste wasn't normal. He looked at me with wide eyes and said "I am not limiting the Lord's power." That was the end of my human doubt. You can take it or leave it as proof of the beliefs of the Catholic church. You know me. This is the source and summit of my faith, so something like this I wouldn't take lightly. I could not make this up. Let this experience touch your heart. Let it motivate you to explore faith in general. If you have faith in Jesus explore the Eucharist. If you believe in the presence of Jesus in the Eucharist, bask in the awe and wonder I experienced on Calvary. Remember that every time we go to mass HE is there! God is having you read this fully for a reason. This is his reason- See Him. Know Him. Love Him. I will finish the rest of the day with the rest of the trip on a different post. For like the apostles said in John 6:60, "This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?". 

God bless you all,

Elizabeth