One Year: One Million Lessons in Love
One year ago, on December 17 at 2pm I was introduced to Hogar Ninos Dios. It was not only a home for disabled people but for anyone who walked through the front doors. If you are in Hogar, you are family. I still remember my first day. The first thing I heard was music and children laughing echoing down the stairs. I came in the middle of a Christmas party in which some locals brought the children toys and treats. They also brought much needed household supplies including a mountain of diapers. The greatest gift, to me, was their presence with the children. They were dancing and playing and just celebrating life. The joy that filled the house, I learned, was not just a seasonal thing, it is something that encompasses the home throughout the year. I come across a lot of people that look at the children and see only what they lack. You can look at the children and see what they lack physically and mentally. They also lack the opportunities and resources that are found in the United States. Some people just see what is missing but they rarely take the time to open their eyes to what the children have. People search their whole lives looking for the joy and love that I see reflected in every child's eyes. This doesn't discount their struggle but it points to a greater purpose when we couple it with love.
As for me God has drastically changed my life in the last year. From the outside you can see the sacrifices I've made such as leaving my home with my family and friends, my lack of income, lack of security and simply living the simple life of a volunteer. God changed a lot of things in my outside world so that He could work on my heart. Most importantly He changed the way I love.
The children taught me how to love and how to be loved. I find it easy to give but I have a hard time receiving it. This is a weakness in both my personal and professional life. For my professional life, I work in an Intensive Care Unit where death is always knocking on the door. I do little things that make the family or patients feel love but it is hard to actually love them and accept their love in return. I see myself as just the "nurse" and thus am not doing anything deserving of love because this is my job. I go above and beyond what my job entails but to me that's nothing important. The kids changed this in me. During the winter there were countless days where I was giving breathing treatments multiple times a day to multiple children. Some of these children I had to hold in my arms to make sure the mask would stay on. Rimas was one of these children. Countless nights she was in my arms rather than her chair because I found it easier to keep the mask on while also letting her know that she wasn't alone. I constantly thought of the Pieta in these moments. I know that sounds morbid but the image of the Pieta was stuck in my mind because at that time a woman from an American tour group was looking for an icon of the Pieta. Her daughter died in her arms and she said how she knew what Mary felt like holding her dead child in her arms. Every time I held her I held Jesus in my arms. Little did I know that I would give Rimas her last bath and tuck her in for the last time before she passed on February 28. let myself cry at her death knowing that one of her last missions on Earth was to change me. I saw the strength in loving and being loved. Her death did not shut me down because I lost love, rather it made me want to love more. The blessings that come from loving both family and strangers alike are bountiful. It was what we were created to do. We were created by Love, in love, for love.
The children and nuns also taught me how to give love. They all give love without asking or expecting anything in return. This is agapic love. Even those children that are nonverbal and severely disabled do not hesitate to give you love in the way they can. They don't love you because you feed and clothe them, they love you because you're a part of their life. Each child shows and receives love in different ways. Some want more play time and some want physical affection and then some love praise. I spend my afternoon with the children and tell them "I love you" every night when I help tuck them into bed. I think their favorite (and mine) show of affection is when I greet them all with a kiss. I greet the workers but then take my time greeting every child individually. Those who are nonverbal and in their chairs smile as they wait for me to make my rounds, where the little boys sometimes run up to me and after I kiss their head they kiss my cheek. There is one girl, Samar, that if I'm anywhere near her chair she will grab my shirt, pull me in and make kissing noises so that I will give her kisses on her cheek. In those moments they recognize that I see them. They are not just another mouth to feed or a diaper to change but a unique individual that I love.
Recently God has put what I learned to the test. I find value in every human being no matter what their capabilities are. Sometimes I can be a hypocrite when it comes to myself because a lie I struggle with is that I am not lovable if I am not useful.
I like to call myself a Martha because if there is something to be done, I will help do it. Recently God's been knocking on my heart to be more of a Mary and to just be in His presence and the presence of those around me. Even though I've been actively working on that, I know He wanted more. So like always, when His whispers are not enough, He uses a 2x4 to make me literally sit and listen. Every morning I take our "normal" child to school. Well mass in the Grotto of the Nativity was later that day so if I was a little early I could drop her off and make it just in time. This happened to be the one morning where she did not do her homework, so as time was ticking by I was getting frustrated. Finally we were able to leave, and I possibly could make it to mass, so I picked her up to rush down the stairs. I skipped a step and fell forward with her in my arms. In normal circumstances I could catch myself but her weight threw me off balance and my only instinct was to protect her. I twisted so I landed on my back with her cradled on top of me. Needless to say my ankle did not like the twisting and I tore a ligament.Now I am stuck in a boot and for the first week or two need to be limited in weight bearing activity. I did not realize how much I needed to stand in my day to day life, until I was forced to sit. It's humbling to serve but for me it is more humbling to have to be served.
Madre even joked that they have 36 children to serve now. Some would see that as an passive aggressive insult but then you don't know the nuns. They serve with joy and love. Each child, rather each person on this planet, is loved just because they are a different image of God in the world. It was a beautiful sentiment to me because it also drives home the fact that they see me as family. They didn't just say, "go home, you're useless to us now", rather they give me tasks I can do and keep me accountable because at this moment my healing is more important than the amount of help I give. I have trouble seeing my worth if I cannot help out to my fullest capacity but they are constantly reminding me that love is not earned, it is freely given.
May God bless you and keep you.
Elizabeth
Oh and Merry Christmas from Bethlehem!
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